Disturbing Thoughts

The trial of Phoenix Sinclair's parents has weighed heavily on me in the past week. Hearing all the gory details on the news has been difficult and I've tried to avoid the details by choosing to turn off. Still, I've heard enough. I've heard enough to hope her parents rot in jail and then somewhere much, much worse, being subjected to what they did to their daughter over and over and over again for eternity.

Thankfully, Phoenix is in a safe place where she is loved, cared for, and out of pain.

Which brings me to a conversation I had. About how I hoped Phoenix's parents would be subjected to what they did to her over and over. My friend's reply? "I sure wouldn't want every bad thing I've ever done repeated on me for all eternity." True. And yet different. But also, who am I to judge what happens to people? Don't get me wrong, I have no sympathy for these people. I DO want them to go to jail for the remainder of their natural lives. But it was a reminder that I am not the judge. Someone else has that under control.

Yin & Yang

Yoga boot camp is over! Yay! I mean, boo-urns! Ok, so I'll admit it was really tough for me. I loved doing yoga in the morning but it impacted my entire day by at least one hour, more often than not, by one and a half hours. So, starting work was late, leaving work was late, dinner was late, house didn't get cleaned, laundry didn't get done, and on and on and on it went. Near the end, I gave up.

Great thing is now, I can go to Source on my schedule. Went on Wednesday. Probably going tonight. It feels really good to be back in the saddle of my own schedule.

Is that my issues? The control-freakedness? Or is it just that yoga at 6:30 a.m. is not "my flow" right now? Whatever the case, I feel much better.

Now I've just got to get back to my neglected friends and my neglected house. Time to start working my way back to my real life.

Cheers my girls - I love you!

Week 4

So, my daily blogging has been impacted by work. Something's always got to give.

Physically and emotionally my two days at yoga this week felt great. My aches and pains are slowly decreasing, I'm incorporating yoga into my daily life with breathing and short yoga breaks, I feel stronger. But again, something's gotta give. I taught a double last night and woke up this morning absolutely dead tired with a sore throat and headache. My decision was made quickly. I didn't go to yoga in favour of another hour in bed to relax. It was a good choice.

Last night was another bonehead move in my teaching career. A weight class participant asked me if anything that "authentically didn't belong to me" was going away. I said that this, in fact, is probably my body and so now I get to go shopping. She told me that she had heeded my advice and bought pants that fit her instead of struggling to fit into clothes that had mysteriously shrunk while in her closet (how does that happen anyway?) Then, a friend of a girl who I have decided is (very likely) anorexic asked me about that friend who had lost 40 pounds. I was stunned, didn't know how to respond, made some lame attempt at retraction and said it must not authentically belong to her then. B-O-N-E-H-E-A-D. And now I am struggling with how to make it right because I don't know how to approach her as maybe she's ill and not anorexic. And I certainly don't want to push her away from the gym - healthy is good, obsessive is the issue. I have never adequately known how to deal with these issues even though I spent 6 years working in a high school. And the other problem is that I am a swimming uphill in a gym that is more focused on weight loss than anything else. And I do not make that my focus although I struggle with body image too. I tend to talk about enjoying food and activity when I teach. I talk about how I don't want to work out so hard or long every day that I miss time with family and friends. And perhaps, this is part of the root of my struggle with continuing to teach. My reasons for teaching are in complete opposition to where I teach and, if I am honest, to most places. And so I continue on in this weird space knowing that the owner is most likely disappointed with my "look" now as her skinny-minny standard is not being upheld. And also knowing that somebody went to buy a pair of pants that fit properly rather than trying to fit into her ideal of what her body should be because of words that I spoke.

People I'd Like to Know

When I was a kid, we saw our cousins from the Yukon very infrequently. In fact, I've probably met my cousins only a handful of times. Three boys. Annoying. Boys. One was a year older than me (we shared a birthday - that's really all we had in common). The other two were just kids. You know, two years and more younger than me.

In 2001, my youngest cousin committed suicide in his trailer. Middle cousin travelled to youngest cousin's trailer, cleaned up the mess (my cousin shot himself), and made sure youngest was taken care of. I had never heard of anyone grieving in such a hands-on way. I know that I would not have had the fortitude to be of such service to my sibling and was intrigued by this cousin I didn't know and his service to his brother.

My uncle recently passed away and one of my middle cousin's first thoughts was to pull out the family book and email everyone that had an email address to let us know. Then he made his plans and travelled from the Yukon to BC for the funeral. Once he arrived in BC, he bought lumber, nails, and satin and built a coffin for my uncle. He put in a nail for each of my uncle's siblings. He took great care to build the coffin he had planned. He brought the coffin to the only undertaker in town and carefully helped the undertaker place his father in the coffin that he built with his own hands.

His service to his family in death and his grieving process astounds me. It was humbling to me that one could be so thoughtful in caring for his family. He's no longer the little kid. He is an extraordinary man. And we should all be so lucky to know someone like him.

Week 3 Day 3

Finally. Back at yoga. I'd never practiced the style we did today although it was very much a flow class - which is among my favourite. What I'm beginning to notice though, is that, while I used to only want to do flow because it felt so right for my body, I long for time to work on my alignment.

I've also had a real epiphany with pada banda. I feel so much more support in poses when I engage me feet and legs. Yeah, it's harder but when I got to a pose on the floor and work on my pada banda, the pose feels better from my feet up so I know it's got to work when I'm standing too - even though I can't quite always make that connection yet.

I felt myself wanting to look around during wheel/bridge today. Not out of envy, but out of wonder. The person beside me this morning moved with such ease in the pose. There was effort, but no audible or visual effort to her achieving the pose. She just moved as she was ready. And then I realized that I do the same thing in my own small, un-bendy way. I may not go to wheel but I focus on the ease and breath within a pose. If my breath is laboured and out-of-whack (technical term), then I know I need to find my breath or back off. So I'm not in full wheel (which is beautiful, by the way). I'm in my version of wheel.

I find myself thinking about next week. I have set an intention to go to yoga twice next week, which will be a challenge. I figure that if I do one on Monday, I only need one more in the whole week. That should be achievable.

Week 3 Day 2

Feeling better but my stomach is a bit "off". Kelly said last night that I should forego one more day of boot camp before returning. Since his instinct is more often right than wrong I decided to heed his advice (but only when I woke up at 5:30 a.m.) It was nice to sleep a bit longer because I'm super tired and because I really believe that when you are sick, you should rest. And that includes me.

Week 3 Day 1

The flu hit my office early last week. It started hitting me yesterday. I headed over to my local pharmacy for Cold-fX and tucked into bed early thinking I might make it to yoga this morning. It was not to be. When I woke up at 3 feeling hot and achy, I changed my alarm so that I could sleep a bit longer and still make it to work. So here I sit, at home, with my Cold-fX beside me wishing I could have made yoga but knowing that it would not have been helpful to go today.

Perhaps later I'll get in another Malasana, which has been going better now that I can actually feel the pose in my feet and not just in my groin, calves, shins, and ankles.

Bonus - a 4-day work week (assuming I make it to work tomorrow).

Sorry Sheryl - the sticky buns are on my table waiting to be delivered to you!