The trial of Phoenix Sinclair's parents has weighed heavily on me in the past week. Hearing all the gory details on the news has been difficult and I've tried to avoid the details by choosing to turn off. Still, I've heard enough. I've heard enough to hope her parents rot in jail and then somewhere much, much worse, being subjected to what they did to their daughter over and over and over again for eternity.
Thankfully, Phoenix is in a safe place where she is loved, cared for, and out of pain.
Which brings me to a conversation I had. About how I hoped Phoenix's parents would be subjected to what they did to her over and over. My friend's reply? "I sure wouldn't want every bad thing I've ever done repeated on me for all eternity." True. And yet different. But also, who am I to judge what happens to people? Don't get me wrong, I have no sympathy for these people. I DO want them to go to jail for the remainder of their natural lives. But it was a reminder that I am not the judge. Someone else has that under control.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Friday, November 7, 2008
Yin & Yang
Yoga boot camp is over! Yay! I mean, boo-urns! Ok, so I'll admit it was really tough for me. I loved doing yoga in the morning but it impacted my entire day by at least one hour, more often than not, by one and a half hours. So, starting work was late, leaving work was late, dinner was late, house didn't get cleaned, laundry didn't get done, and on and on and on it went. Near the end, I gave up.
Great thing is now, I can go to Source on my schedule. Went on Wednesday. Probably going tonight. It feels really good to be back in the saddle of my own schedule.
Is that my issues? The control-freakedness? Or is it just that yoga at 6:30 a.m. is not "my flow" right now? Whatever the case, I feel much better.
Now I've just got to get back to my neglected friends and my neglected house. Time to start working my way back to my real life.
Cheers my girls - I love you!
Great thing is now, I can go to Source on my schedule. Went on Wednesday. Probably going tonight. It feels really good to be back in the saddle of my own schedule.
Is that my issues? The control-freakedness? Or is it just that yoga at 6:30 a.m. is not "my flow" right now? Whatever the case, I feel much better.
Now I've just got to get back to my neglected friends and my neglected house. Time to start working my way back to my real life.
Cheers my girls - I love you!
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Week 4
So, my daily blogging has been impacted by work. Something's always got to give.
Physically and emotionally my two days at yoga this week felt great. My aches and pains are slowly decreasing, I'm incorporating yoga into my daily life with breathing and short yoga breaks, I feel stronger. But again, something's gotta give. I taught a double last night and woke up this morning absolutely dead tired with a sore throat and headache. My decision was made quickly. I didn't go to yoga in favour of another hour in bed to relax. It was a good choice.
Last night was another bonehead move in my teaching career. A weight class participant asked me if anything that "authentically didn't belong to me" was going away. I said that this, in fact, is probably my body and so now I get to go shopping. She told me that she had heeded my advice and bought pants that fit her instead of struggling to fit into clothes that had mysteriously shrunk while in her closet (how does that happen anyway?) Then, a friend of a girl who I have decided is (very likely) anorexic asked me about that friend who had lost 40 pounds. I was stunned, didn't know how to respond, made some lame attempt at retraction and said it must not authentically belong to her then. B-O-N-E-H-E-A-D. And now I am struggling with how to make it right because I don't know how to approach her as maybe she's ill and not anorexic. And I certainly don't want to push her away from the gym - healthy is good, obsessive is the issue. I have never adequately known how to deal with these issues even though I spent 6 years working in a high school. And the other problem is that I am a swimming uphill in a gym that is more focused on weight loss than anything else. And I do not make that my focus although I struggle with body image too. I tend to talk about enjoying food and activity when I teach. I talk about how I don't want to work out so hard or long every day that I miss time with family and friends. And perhaps, this is part of the root of my struggle with continuing to teach. My reasons for teaching are in complete opposition to where I teach and, if I am honest, to most places. And so I continue on in this weird space knowing that the owner is most likely disappointed with my "look" now as her skinny-minny standard is not being upheld. And also knowing that somebody went to buy a pair of pants that fit properly rather than trying to fit into her ideal of what her body should be because of words that I spoke.
Physically and emotionally my two days at yoga this week felt great. My aches and pains are slowly decreasing, I'm incorporating yoga into my daily life with breathing and short yoga breaks, I feel stronger. But again, something's gotta give. I taught a double last night and woke up this morning absolutely dead tired with a sore throat and headache. My decision was made quickly. I didn't go to yoga in favour of another hour in bed to relax. It was a good choice.
Last night was another bonehead move in my teaching career. A weight class participant asked me if anything that "authentically didn't belong to me" was going away. I said that this, in fact, is probably my body and so now I get to go shopping. She told me that she had heeded my advice and bought pants that fit her instead of struggling to fit into clothes that had mysteriously shrunk while in her closet (how does that happen anyway?) Then, a friend of a girl who I have decided is (very likely) anorexic asked me about that friend who had lost 40 pounds. I was stunned, didn't know how to respond, made some lame attempt at retraction and said it must not authentically belong to her then. B-O-N-E-H-E-A-D. And now I am struggling with how to make it right because I don't know how to approach her as maybe she's ill and not anorexic. And I certainly don't want to push her away from the gym - healthy is good, obsessive is the issue. I have never adequately known how to deal with these issues even though I spent 6 years working in a high school. And the other problem is that I am a swimming uphill in a gym that is more focused on weight loss than anything else. And I do not make that my focus although I struggle with body image too. I tend to talk about enjoying food and activity when I teach. I talk about how I don't want to work out so hard or long every day that I miss time with family and friends. And perhaps, this is part of the root of my struggle with continuing to teach. My reasons for teaching are in complete opposition to where I teach and, if I am honest, to most places. And so I continue on in this weird space knowing that the owner is most likely disappointed with my "look" now as her skinny-minny standard is not being upheld. And also knowing that somebody went to buy a pair of pants that fit properly rather than trying to fit into her ideal of what her body should be because of words that I spoke.
Monday, October 13, 2008
People I'd Like to Know
When I was a kid, we saw our cousins from the Yukon very infrequently. In fact, I've probably met my cousins only a handful of times. Three boys. Annoying. Boys. One was a year older than me (we shared a birthday - that's really all we had in common). The other two were just kids. You know, two years and more younger than me.
In 2001, my youngest cousin committed suicide in his trailer. Middle cousin travelled to youngest cousin's trailer, cleaned up the mess (my cousin shot himself), and made sure youngest was taken care of. I had never heard of anyone grieving in such a hands-on way. I know that I would not have had the fortitude to be of such service to my sibling and was intrigued by this cousin I didn't know and his service to his brother.
My uncle recently passed away and one of my middle cousin's first thoughts was to pull out the family book and email everyone that had an email address to let us know. Then he made his plans and travelled from the Yukon to BC for the funeral. Once he arrived in BC, he bought lumber, nails, and satin and built a coffin for my uncle. He put in a nail for each of my uncle's siblings. He took great care to build the coffin he had planned. He brought the coffin to the only undertaker in town and carefully helped the undertaker place his father in the coffin that he built with his own hands.
His service to his family in death and his grieving process astounds me. It was humbling to me that one could be so thoughtful in caring for his family. He's no longer the little kid. He is an extraordinary man. And we should all be so lucky to know someone like him.
In 2001, my youngest cousin committed suicide in his trailer. Middle cousin travelled to youngest cousin's trailer, cleaned up the mess (my cousin shot himself), and made sure youngest was taken care of. I had never heard of anyone grieving in such a hands-on way. I know that I would not have had the fortitude to be of such service to my sibling and was intrigued by this cousin I didn't know and his service to his brother.
My uncle recently passed away and one of my middle cousin's first thoughts was to pull out the family book and email everyone that had an email address to let us know. Then he made his plans and travelled from the Yukon to BC for the funeral. Once he arrived in BC, he bought lumber, nails, and satin and built a coffin for my uncle. He put in a nail for each of my uncle's siblings. He took great care to build the coffin he had planned. He brought the coffin to the only undertaker in town and carefully helped the undertaker place his father in the coffin that he built with his own hands.
His service to his family in death and his grieving process astounds me. It was humbling to me that one could be so thoughtful in caring for his family. He's no longer the little kid. He is an extraordinary man. And we should all be so lucky to know someone like him.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Week 3 Day 3
Finally. Back at yoga. I'd never practiced the style we did today although it was very much a flow class - which is among my favourite. What I'm beginning to notice though, is that, while I used to only want to do flow because it felt so right for my body, I long for time to work on my alignment.
I've also had a real epiphany with pada banda. I feel so much more support in poses when I engage me feet and legs. Yeah, it's harder but when I got to a pose on the floor and work on my pada banda, the pose feels better from my feet up so I know it's got to work when I'm standing too - even though I can't quite always make that connection yet.
I felt myself wanting to look around during wheel/bridge today. Not out of envy, but out of wonder. The person beside me this morning moved with such ease in the pose. There was effort, but no audible or visual effort to her achieving the pose. She just moved as she was ready. And then I realized that I do the same thing in my own small, un-bendy way. I may not go to wheel but I focus on the ease and breath within a pose. If my breath is laboured and out-of-whack (technical term), then I know I need to find my breath or back off. So I'm not in full wheel (which is beautiful, by the way). I'm in my version of wheel.
I find myself thinking about next week. I have set an intention to go to yoga twice next week, which will be a challenge. I figure that if I do one on Monday, I only need one more in the whole week. That should be achievable.
I've also had a real epiphany with pada banda. I feel so much more support in poses when I engage me feet and legs. Yeah, it's harder but when I got to a pose on the floor and work on my pada banda, the pose feels better from my feet up so I know it's got to work when I'm standing too - even though I can't quite always make that connection yet.
I felt myself wanting to look around during wheel/bridge today. Not out of envy, but out of wonder. The person beside me this morning moved with such ease in the pose. There was effort, but no audible or visual effort to her achieving the pose. She just moved as she was ready. And then I realized that I do the same thing in my own small, un-bendy way. I may not go to wheel but I focus on the ease and breath within a pose. If my breath is laboured and out-of-whack (technical term), then I know I need to find my breath or back off. So I'm not in full wheel (which is beautiful, by the way). I'm in my version of wheel.
I find myself thinking about next week. I have set an intention to go to yoga twice next week, which will be a challenge. I figure that if I do one on Monday, I only need one more in the whole week. That should be achievable.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Week 3 Day 2
Feeling better but my stomach is a bit "off". Kelly said last night that I should forego one more day of boot camp before returning. Since his instinct is more often right than wrong I decided to heed his advice (but only when I woke up at 5:30 a.m.) It was nice to sleep a bit longer because I'm super tired and because I really believe that when you are sick, you should rest. And that includes me.
Monday, September 29, 2008
Week 3 Day 1
The flu hit my office early last week. It started hitting me yesterday. I headed over to my local pharmacy for Cold-fX and tucked into bed early thinking I might make it to yoga this morning. It was not to be. When I woke up at 3 feeling hot and achy, I changed my alarm so that I could sleep a bit longer and still make it to work. So here I sit, at home, with my Cold-fX beside me wishing I could have made yoga but knowing that it would not have been helpful to go today.
Perhaps later I'll get in another Malasana, which has been going better now that I can actually feel the pose in my feet and not just in my groin, calves, shins, and ankles.
Bonus - a 4-day work week (assuming I make it to work tomorrow).
Sorry Sheryl - the sticky buns are on my table waiting to be delivered to you!
Perhaps later I'll get in another Malasana, which has been going better now that I can actually feel the pose in my feet and not just in my groin, calves, shins, and ankles.
Bonus - a 4-day work week (assuming I make it to work tomorrow).
Sorry Sheryl - the sticky buns are on my table waiting to be delivered to you!
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Friday, September 26, 2008
Week 2 Day 5
Totally. Freakin'. Awesome.
This morning was the best morning yet. I was prepared and actually excited to come to yoga - even if I couldn't tear myself out of bed for meditation.
Week 2 complete. It's going so fast!
This morning was the best morning yet. I was prepared and actually excited to come to yoga - even if I couldn't tear myself out of bed for meditation.
Week 2 complete. It's going so fast!
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Week 2 Day 4
Thai Massage.
I learned today that I am a much better giver than receiver. I mean, I knew this but I had never actually given it much thought. That is who I am. That is what I do. I would have gladly spent all day doing Thai massage for the entire class than have someone's cold (clammy-ish) hands on my hips.
The combination of a tall Bendy Girl with a short Un-Bendy Girl proved to be as interesting as I thought it would be. Me, Un-Bendy, showed caution in how far I stretched her. I didn't want to take her to far, even though my mind knew I could probably flip her leg right up over head and give her a really good hamstring stretch, my body wouldn't allow it. Conversely, she didn't exhibit the same caution in her desire to give me what she thought would feel good. And she is strong. Really strong. I found myself tensing up, trying to receive her effort, trying to breathe into it, trying to accept her strength. The first side was a disaster for me but I managed to allow her to move me (with some modification) on the second side. And it was wonderful.
But I wondered what I could offer her (did I mention, she's really Bendy?) and as I watched her breathe, I felt the best thing I could offer her was my long deep breaths. So I made them more pronounced, and incorporated my breath with her gradual shoulder and hip openings. And I kept thinking "I offer you my breath, I offer you my breath". It was very meditative for me. I hope she received some benefit.
So, did I enjoy Thai Massage? Yes. And no.
I learned today that I am a much better giver than receiver. I mean, I knew this but I had never actually given it much thought. That is who I am. That is what I do. I would have gladly spent all day doing Thai massage for the entire class than have someone's cold (clammy-ish) hands on my hips.
The combination of a tall Bendy Girl with a short Un-Bendy Girl proved to be as interesting as I thought it would be. Me, Un-Bendy, showed caution in how far I stretched her. I didn't want to take her to far, even though my mind knew I could probably flip her leg right up over head and give her a really good hamstring stretch, my body wouldn't allow it. Conversely, she didn't exhibit the same caution in her desire to give me what she thought would feel good. And she is strong. Really strong. I found myself tensing up, trying to receive her effort, trying to breathe into it, trying to accept her strength. The first side was a disaster for me but I managed to allow her to move me (with some modification) on the second side. And it was wonderful.
But I wondered what I could offer her (did I mention, she's really Bendy?) and as I watched her breathe, I felt the best thing I could offer her was my long deep breaths. So I made them more pronounced, and incorporated my breath with her gradual shoulder and hip openings. And I kept thinking "I offer you my breath, I offer you my breath". It was very meditative for me. I hope she received some benefit.
So, did I enjoy Thai Massage? Yes. And no.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Week 2 Day 3
A note about cardio - my speed on the treadmill increased by .2 to .3 this week (Monday).
I wasn't feeling well this morning. Kelly thinks I may have poisoned us with salmon (he always thinks that when I make salmon).
So, not feeling well, a funny thing happened to me at yoga. I gave up caring. I gave up looking at the Bendy Girls. I didn't even try to go into headstand. And although my stomach didn't feel good, I felt good about my practice. The stories don't stop in my head though. Self-doubt, fear, worry, anger, they all showed up today.
Final meditation was unique to me. I could feel the vibrations of Dillon's voice in my arms. Then when he no longer spoke, I could feel the vibration of vehicles going by.
I wasn't feeling well this morning. Kelly thinks I may have poisoned us with salmon (he always thinks that when I make salmon).
So, not feeling well, a funny thing happened to me at yoga. I gave up caring. I gave up looking at the Bendy Girls. I didn't even try to go into headstand. And although my stomach didn't feel good, I felt good about my practice. The stories don't stop in my head though. Self-doubt, fear, worry, anger, they all showed up today.
Final meditation was unique to me. I could feel the vibrations of Dillon's voice in my arms. Then when he no longer spoke, I could feel the vibration of vehicles going by.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Week 2 Day 2
Today I feel totally defeated. Totally and completely. It didn't start that way. When I got to class I was tired. I missed meditation in favour of 10 more minutes under the covers. I wasn't sure I was prepared but as I moved into asana practice, I felt more present than I've felt any other previous 6 days. My breath flowed. I was able to give my body what it needed and I felt really good. Solid. (Almost) peaceful.
But as I was feeling presence, I got a reminder of more things to work on. More to do. And I found myself being very frustrated. I felt so joyful in my expression of the poses today that I didn't want to hear another way in which I am inadequate. Something else to strive for.
For just a moment, I wanted to enjoy where I was and what I was doing.
But as I was feeling presence, I got a reminder of more things to work on. More to do. And I found myself being very frustrated. I felt so joyful in my expression of the poses today that I didn't want to hear another way in which I am inadequate. Something else to strive for.
For just a moment, I wanted to enjoy where I was and what I was doing.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Week 2 Day 1
The love-hate relationship with yoga boot camp began again yesterday. I was so tired after my day at The Wedding, I knew I'd need to be on track with relaxation on Sunday. By the time I woke up this morning, I was feeling somewhat rejuvenated and ready to go.
Meditation felt so long today! I have already started the week feeling out of sync with my breath.
My legs are cramping. During class, it's my hips. In the middle of the night, it's my calves. So, I'll eat a banana and do some recommended "self love" although I'm not sure when. Mondays are tough. From yoga to work to the gym to yoga. I'm glad it's over with early in the week but it sure makes for a long day!
I sure struggled at yoga this morning. I struggle with the knowledge that already it has been so beneficial for me to do this but that I have so many limitations. Normally I'm not bothered by limitations, especially in comparison with others (yes, I compare. I try not to but am struggling with that, too! Even taking my glasses off isn't helping). And it's not that I find myself being competitive now either, it's just that I so yearn to have that beautiful, flexible body. I want to leap forward from down dog lightly and land softly. I want to be graceful and lean and long. I want. I want. I want. And so I try to let go of the stories, which I seem to be able to do during class. As soon as I get out though, I think about all of those other bendy people and I am really humbled by my own inabilities. I have trouble seeing the potential of where I'm at and constantly struggle against those inabilities. Letting go and letting my body be what it is has been so much harder than any other part of yoga.
Meditation felt so long today! I have already started the week feeling out of sync with my breath.
My legs are cramping. During class, it's my hips. In the middle of the night, it's my calves. So, I'll eat a banana and do some recommended "self love" although I'm not sure when. Mondays are tough. From yoga to work to the gym to yoga. I'm glad it's over with early in the week but it sure makes for a long day!
I sure struggled at yoga this morning. I struggle with the knowledge that already it has been so beneficial for me to do this but that I have so many limitations. Normally I'm not bothered by limitations, especially in comparison with others (yes, I compare. I try not to but am struggling with that, too! Even taking my glasses off isn't helping). And it's not that I find myself being competitive now either, it's just that I so yearn to have that beautiful, flexible body. I want to leap forward from down dog lightly and land softly. I want to be graceful and lean and long. I want. I want. I want. And so I try to let go of the stories, which I seem to be able to do during class. As soon as I get out though, I think about all of those other bendy people and I am really humbled by my own inabilities. I have trouble seeing the potential of where I'm at and constantly struggle against those inabilities. Letting go and letting my body be what it is has been so much harder than any other part of yoga.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
My First 5 Minutes with Malasana
Ok, so I'll give it a shot. 10 minutes a day. It can't be that bad, can it? After discussing with Sheryl, I decided on a strategy of two-five minute sessions per day starting with my first at lunchtime.
Is it supposed to be this excruciating? Within two minutes, I had to breathe through my mouth. My toes were numb. At minute 3, I took a 5 second break. At minute 3 1/2, I started checking the timer on my watch every 5 seconds. At 4 minutes, I thought I would cry. But my toes weren't so numb. Now I just had discomfort shooting through my ankles. Both sides. Top, too.
Maybe if I say it, I can own it.
I love Malasana.
Um, nope. Not yet. But I'll keep trying.
Is it supposed to be this excruciating? Within two minutes, I had to breathe through my mouth. My toes were numb. At minute 3, I took a 5 second break. At minute 3 1/2, I started checking the timer on my watch every 5 seconds. At 4 minutes, I thought I would cry. But my toes weren't so numb. Now I just had discomfort shooting through my ankles. Both sides. Top, too.
Maybe if I say it, I can own it.
I love Malasana.
Um, nope. Not yet. But I'll keep trying.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Week 1 Day 3
Rubber band status: What rubber band? Today I am a rope.
Discovery: Yin yoga sucks bag.
How do I feel physically? Well, good, actually. I mean, I have aches and pains but they're good aches and pains. The aches and pains that remind me to think about my body. Not aches and pains of a normal day, where when I stand up my hips ache or I get a twinge in my neck or back. Once again, work gets in the way. If I didn't have to sit all damn day. Such is the reality of my life.
I always know how good yoga is for my body, my breath, my patience, my relationships, my cardio, my life and yet I continually find that falling back into the old patterns of my life are easier. It is hard going from yoga to work (or, as in today, running home to pick up Kelly because he thought he'd fill up with gas this morning - too late). It is hard not bein able to "settle" into work and get done what needs to be done. It is hard not knowing what I'll make for supper because I know I'm not going to feel like being in the kitchen too long. So my strength in organization also (as strengths can) becomes a hindrance as I try to plan and fail and feel like a failure. This extra hour and a half every day is so worth it but so difficult at the same time. I could be cleaning my house.
This morning's class was very difficult for me. Recognizing my own inflexibility and my own resistance to falling without a net. I always have a net. I was uncomfortable, I was frustrated, I was in tears, my breathing was choppy, laboured, my body was getting in the way of my practice. Yin is definitely something I need to explore more. Dammit. Now I've said it out loud.
Speaking of saying things out low, now that I have named and claimed my impatience, I notice so many opportunities to develop patience. Last night Kelly helped me with my ailing computer. Usually we bicker and fight over the mouse. I stood beside him and began the process of letting him be. We had a good laugh at HIS impatience over my crazy slow computer but in the end we could go back to the living room, have a cup of tea together, and relax. This morning, I didn't make it to the shoes at Source first. When the apology came over another participants slowness, I said it was all good, that I was developing my patience. That's why I don't like to say what's really going on out loud, it will mean I have to stop and examine what's going on our I will be stopped to examine what's going on! It really is just easier to avoid exploring oneself.
Another weird side effect of this daily practice I'm noticing is my appetite. I'm not as hungry and when I eat, I'm instantly full and I get more and more full as the next two to three hours pass. Guess I need to check out cleansing as my normal bodily functions aren't quite normal this week.
And yet, I feel great.
Discovery: Yin yoga sucks bag.
How do I feel physically? Well, good, actually. I mean, I have aches and pains but they're good aches and pains. The aches and pains that remind me to think about my body. Not aches and pains of a normal day, where when I stand up my hips ache or I get a twinge in my neck or back. Once again, work gets in the way. If I didn't have to sit all damn day. Such is the reality of my life.
I always know how good yoga is for my body, my breath, my patience, my relationships, my cardio, my life and yet I continually find that falling back into the old patterns of my life are easier. It is hard going from yoga to work (or, as in today, running home to pick up Kelly because he thought he'd fill up with gas this morning - too late). It is hard not bein able to "settle" into work and get done what needs to be done. It is hard not knowing what I'll make for supper because I know I'm not going to feel like being in the kitchen too long. So my strength in organization also (as strengths can) becomes a hindrance as I try to plan and fail and feel like a failure. This extra hour and a half every day is so worth it but so difficult at the same time. I could be cleaning my house.
This morning's class was very difficult for me. Recognizing my own inflexibility and my own resistance to falling without a net. I always have a net. I was uncomfortable, I was frustrated, I was in tears, my breathing was choppy, laboured, my body was getting in the way of my practice. Yin is definitely something I need to explore more. Dammit. Now I've said it out loud.
Speaking of saying things out low, now that I have named and claimed my impatience, I notice so many opportunities to develop patience. Last night Kelly helped me with my ailing computer. Usually we bicker and fight over the mouse. I stood beside him and began the process of letting him be. We had a good laugh at HIS impatience over my crazy slow computer but in the end we could go back to the living room, have a cup of tea together, and relax. This morning, I didn't make it to the shoes at Source first. When the apology came over another participants slowness, I said it was all good, that I was developing my patience. That's why I don't like to say what's really going on out loud, it will mean I have to stop and examine what's going on our I will be stopped to examine what's going on! It really is just easier to avoid exploring oneself.
Another weird side effect of this daily practice I'm noticing is my appetite. I'm not as hungry and when I eat, I'm instantly full and I get more and more full as the next two to three hours pass. Guess I need to check out cleansing as my normal bodily functions aren't quite normal this week.
And yet, I feel great.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Week 1 Day 2 Update - The Truth I Hate to Acknowledge
I keep avoiding this subject (avoiding in my head). As I drove to work today, "I need to quit teaching" popped into my head. This relates to aerobics to focus more on yoga. This has happened several times in the past 6 months. Although my intuition is trying to tell me something, I am unwilling to listen right now. Why is that?
Less in the bank + more spent on yoga training = less money overall
I went to another instructors' class yesterday and while I know that I am a very good instructor, my lack of focus on aerobics has diminished my abilities dramatically. I don't know any new fun moves. I have a lack of focus on my own personal development. In truth, I don't enjoy it all that much any more. So why do I hang on?
money, damn money
Less in the bank + more spent on yoga training = less money overall
I went to another instructors' class yesterday and while I know that I am a very good instructor, my lack of focus on aerobics has diminished my abilities dramatically. I don't know any new fun moves. I have a lack of focus on my own personal development. In truth, I don't enjoy it all that much any more. So why do I hang on?
money, damn money
Week 1 Day 2
Rubber Band Status: You know those medium thick bands? The ones that can stretch fairly well but they're kinda old so if you stretch them too far, they'll break in the brittle parts? Yeah. That.
Discovery: Anusara yoga. I seriously love it. To me, it's the "technician's" yoga.
Meditation: Meditation this morning was comfortable and easy. Surprisingly, it felt great to sit and breathe (maybe due in part to my crazy day yesterday and my long night of brain activity). Five minutes does go by quickly. I need to remember as we continue through the weeks that it is good for me to get up a few minutes early to meditate.
I was seriously sore this morning. Thanks to Dillon, my shoulders, shoulder blades, basically everything in my back between my neck and my mid-back were achy. I knew yesterday that this would happen so after opening meditation, I took time to warm up my upper body. It was a great strategy and one that I need to remember. It helped me get through the rest of the class.
Conversely, my breathing also felt easier today than it did yesterday. Still some short, choppy breathing but overall much more free and easy.
The early yoga, together with work, together with my cardio last night, together with teaching yoga last night, made for a very long day. Monday's are going to be tough. I didn't get home until 9:30 last night. Thankful for something small - Kelly had put the kettle on to boil already so it was just a matter of teabag in and we shared our tea together before I went to bed.
It is so nice to have someone work with me on my alignment to bring my body into a pose that belongs to me. It's much easier to do this for others than to do it for myself. The external alignment and eyes on my form help me to relax within my own practice and not worry so much about the exact form of the pose. If there's a way to make the pose "better", help will be on the way. I almost burst into tears today when Dillon did the first adjustment on my shoulders. "Touch" with others is not natural to me (except when I teach weights or yoga for some reason) and yet when I am touched, it is releasing for me. It releases anxiety and brings joy. It makes life easier.
I appreciate the booklet given to me and what particularly struck me was the portion on balancing diet and bringing yoga bringing participants to their authentic selves. I also appreciate that I can eat. No crazy normal boot camp diets where I need to give up carbs, or fat, or whatever the hell is the flavour of the week. Unfortunately, if my authentic self isn't 5 pounds lighter than I currently am, I will have to buy a new wardrobe since so many of my clothes shrunk in my closet this summer. I guess shopping isn't such a bad thing.
I will add that I am very, very emotional today. The problem with being emotional is being at work and being emotional. I could cry at the drop of a hat. Not the kind of impression an up-and-coming young woman like me wants to portray (haha). We need to be TOUGH. STRONG. To quote Tom Hanks in A League of Their Own: "There's no crying in baseball!"
Ok, so the whole problem with yoga boot camp is work. Can we please just suspend work for 6 weeks and focus on yoga?
Discovery: Anusara yoga. I seriously love it. To me, it's the "technician's" yoga.
Meditation: Meditation this morning was comfortable and easy. Surprisingly, it felt great to sit and breathe (maybe due in part to my crazy day yesterday and my long night of brain activity). Five minutes does go by quickly. I need to remember as we continue through the weeks that it is good for me to get up a few minutes early to meditate.
I was seriously sore this morning. Thanks to Dillon, my shoulders, shoulder blades, basically everything in my back between my neck and my mid-back were achy. I knew yesterday that this would happen so after opening meditation, I took time to warm up my upper body. It was a great strategy and one that I need to remember. It helped me get through the rest of the class.
Conversely, my breathing also felt easier today than it did yesterday. Still some short, choppy breathing but overall much more free and easy.
The early yoga, together with work, together with my cardio last night, together with teaching yoga last night, made for a very long day. Monday's are going to be tough. I didn't get home until 9:30 last night. Thankful for something small - Kelly had put the kettle on to boil already so it was just a matter of teabag in and we shared our tea together before I went to bed.
It is so nice to have someone work with me on my alignment to bring my body into a pose that belongs to me. It's much easier to do this for others than to do it for myself. The external alignment and eyes on my form help me to relax within my own practice and not worry so much about the exact form of the pose. If there's a way to make the pose "better", help will be on the way. I almost burst into tears today when Dillon did the first adjustment on my shoulders. "Touch" with others is not natural to me (except when I teach weights or yoga for some reason) and yet when I am touched, it is releasing for me. It releases anxiety and brings joy. It makes life easier.
I appreciate the booklet given to me and what particularly struck me was the portion on balancing diet and bringing yoga bringing participants to their authentic selves. I also appreciate that I can eat. No crazy normal boot camp diets where I need to give up carbs, or fat, or whatever the hell is the flavour of the week. Unfortunately, if my authentic self isn't 5 pounds lighter than I currently am, I will have to buy a new wardrobe since so many of my clothes shrunk in my closet this summer. I guess shopping isn't such a bad thing.
I will add that I am very, very emotional today. The problem with being emotional is being at work and being emotional. I could cry at the drop of a hat. Not the kind of impression an up-and-coming young woman like me wants to portray (haha). We need to be TOUGH. STRONG. To quote Tom Hanks in A League of Their Own: "There's no crying in baseball!"
Ok, so the whole problem with yoga boot camp is work. Can we please just suspend work for 6 weeks and focus on yoga?
Monday, September 15, 2008
Week 1 Day 1
Yoga Boot Camp
Rubber band status: Really thick, inflexible band. Snaps back immediately. Can't even fit it around a handful of pencils.
Discovery: ankle sweat
1. Passion - baking (my current passion)
2. Strength - organization (my clothes and lunches are ready for the week)
3. Weakness/challenge - Impatience (I was already annoyed in class when people were talking to quietly (SPEAK UP!) or just wouldn't talk. (BE A MAN!))
Boot camp ended well this morning. I feel great. I am SO inflexible in the morning and without warm up. Child's pose didn't even feel good. Thanks to Dillon for reminding me that my hands can be above my head.
Table top with arms turned and fingertips facing my knees was the worst its ever felt. In fact, it usually feels pretty good. Once again, Dillon to the rescue to tell me to move my knees forward. It worked! What a great tip.
The flow portion of the class started slow and stiff. My ankles are very stiff as are my calves. (See rubber band status above). My breath throughout the entire flow portion was short and breathy. I finally began to loosen up a bit around the third round. Even my planks began to take that old familiar comfortable feeling. Nice.
Rubber band status: Really thick, inflexible band. Snaps back immediately. Can't even fit it around a handful of pencils.
Discovery: ankle sweat
1. Passion - baking (my current passion)
2. Strength - organization (my clothes and lunches are ready for the week)
3. Weakness/challenge - Impatience (I was already annoyed in class when people were talking to quietly (SPEAK UP!) or just wouldn't talk. (BE A MAN!))
Boot camp ended well this morning. I feel great. I am SO inflexible in the morning and without warm up. Child's pose didn't even feel good. Thanks to Dillon for reminding me that my hands can be above my head.
Table top with arms turned and fingertips facing my knees was the worst its ever felt. In fact, it usually feels pretty good. Once again, Dillon to the rescue to tell me to move my knees forward. It worked! What a great tip.
The flow portion of the class started slow and stiff. My ankles are very stiff as are my calves. (See rubber band status above). My breath throughout the entire flow portion was short and breathy. I finally began to loosen up a bit around the third round. Even my planks began to take that old familiar comfortable feeling. Nice.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Cakewrecks
For those in need of a good, heartfelt belly laugh, I recommend the following: http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Beginners are exhausting and exhiliarting
Another yoga year begins.
To my great surprise and delight, I found out yesterday that I have a (relatively) small class of 15 participants. Usually I'm fighting to keep my class at 35. "Please, please, please don't let any more participants in." becomes "enough already!" which becomes "oh, just pack 'em in. It doesn't make a difference any more anyway."
So yesterday was a treat. A gift, really. Until I started class. A fibromyalgia here, a couch potato there, some super experienced long-term participants thrown in for good measure. 15 minutes in and after half down dog, I realized that I needed to take THIS level 1 & 2 class slowly or I'd lose people.
In the end, I very nearly lost two last night. I tried to hang on. I went super slowly. I showed modifications. I was at a loss for what to do. They decided their arms weren't strong enough and just sat on their behinds and watched the rest of the proceedings. I truly know now one of the reasons standing poses are easier for beginners. When there was a wave of excitement through the room at standing and doing blown palm (side stretch), I realized what I missed all along. Being upside down is really tough! Not only that, but my arms are pretty strong. I tend to forget my own body because I look at it through a haze and only see the imperfections and weaknesses.
So, a few more lessons learned, courtesy of self-examination through yoga. I drove home feeling exhausted but exhiliarated that (I'm pretty sure) everyone will be back next week. That is after all the goal.
No one gets left behind.
To my great surprise and delight, I found out yesterday that I have a (relatively) small class of 15 participants. Usually I'm fighting to keep my class at 35. "Please, please, please don't let any more participants in." becomes "enough already!" which becomes "oh, just pack 'em in. It doesn't make a difference any more anyway."
So yesterday was a treat. A gift, really. Until I started class. A fibromyalgia here, a couch potato there, some super experienced long-term participants thrown in for good measure. 15 minutes in and after half down dog, I realized that I needed to take THIS level 1 & 2 class slowly or I'd lose people.
In the end, I very nearly lost two last night. I tried to hang on. I went super slowly. I showed modifications. I was at a loss for what to do. They decided their arms weren't strong enough and just sat on their behinds and watched the rest of the proceedings. I truly know now one of the reasons standing poses are easier for beginners. When there was a wave of excitement through the room at standing and doing blown palm (side stretch), I realized what I missed all along. Being upside down is really tough! Not only that, but my arms are pretty strong. I tend to forget my own body because I look at it through a haze and only see the imperfections and weaknesses.
So, a few more lessons learned, courtesy of self-examination through yoga. I drove home feeling exhausted but exhiliarated that (I'm pretty sure) everyone will be back next week. That is after all the goal.
No one gets left behind.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
It's not quite fall, but. . .
I have always loved jeans and jacket weather. Even as a kid, I felt most comfortable, most normal, most like "me" when I could wear pants and a jacket and feel like I was the perfect temperature. Then there's the crisp morning air, cooling and waking the body and mind for the day. Warm days - but not hot, bright blue and sunny skies, mosquitos are gone, loads of fresh veggies to consume, geese starting their flight south. The short fall season is as close to perfect as any time of year could be.
Today I realized it is fall. Not because of any of those listed above, although I am in my fall clothing - dark pants and a jacket over my sleeveless sweater. No, today it is fall because, as of today, Starbucks has brought back the Pumpkin Spice Latte.
You should try one. It tastes like all of my favourite things.
Today I realized it is fall. Not because of any of those listed above, although I am in my fall clothing - dark pants and a jacket over my sleeveless sweater. No, today it is fall because, as of today, Starbucks has brought back the Pumpkin Spice Latte.
You should try one. It tastes like all of my favourite things.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Every Bum is Different
If you don't believe me, check out this blog: http://peffablogi.blogspot.com/
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Most of them shock the hell out of me, too.
You know that scene in Pretty Women where Richard Gere tells Julia Roberts that people don't surprise him and Julia's response is that most of them shock the hell out of her?
In my world of teaching I am mostly oblivious to how people feel about me. Check that - I'm pretty good at knowing how people feel about me and I really don't care all that much. Hey, I am who I am and as long as I'm doing my best to teach and entertain, you can take me or leave me!
As I prepared to teach yoga yesterday to a very small summer class (oh, why can't they all be small summer classes) I set my intention to teach by intuition.
I will preface yesterday's in-practice experience by saying that I am VERY hands-on in small classes. I used to never touch anyone, now I'm so touchy feely that I can rub my entire body against another woman and not even worry how she feels about it. There are two or three people, however, that I NEVER touch. I get "the vibe" from them and I just stay away.
This experience with one of the women in my class started a few years ago when I told her that I found belly dancing to be sexy. You'd have thought I'd insulted her mama. She was so offended that I would dare call such a beautiful thing sexy, or even sensual, that I could scarecely believe such prudes existed in the realm of who I know. But, there you have it. One person's sexy is another person's "don't look at me, I'm hideous".
This woman comes to too many of my classes to absolutely hate me. I would put her in the category of possibly tolerating me as long as I'm not too mouthy. Fat chance, lady! She never smiles. She may smile at others, but she never smiles at me. Or even near me, come to think of it. She thinks my stories are juvenile and my jokes are stupid. I know that's very difficult to believe but my "shinning" tells me so.
In class last night, as I set my intention to follow my intuition, I began to go into that teaching "zone" that I love. The one where I have no clue what I'm going to teach and then it all falls into place. We examined two standing poses in intimite detail. I even used belly dancing as an analogy. So much for not being mouthy. I just go ahead and bring up that very painful topic - although I didn't get near any words that began with "se". And (wait for it) I TOUCHED her. I sat right behind her in one pose and worked with her breathing through the pose. Anyone who says I don't have balls, please go pound sand.
After class, I had that really heady feeling like things were pretty good and I had done exactly what I was meant to do - teach a proper beginner's class. Two people came to speak to me after class. One was Mrs. Non-Sexy Belly Dancer herself. She was smiling. She was happy. Said something things I had done gave her fresh perspectives on the pose and really "clicked" in her head. Said thank you. Can you speak?!
And now for my encore, folks. . .a rabbit out of a hat.
Yup, they certainly do shock the hell out of me, too.
In my world of teaching I am mostly oblivious to how people feel about me. Check that - I'm pretty good at knowing how people feel about me and I really don't care all that much. Hey, I am who I am and as long as I'm doing my best to teach and entertain, you can take me or leave me!
As I prepared to teach yoga yesterday to a very small summer class (oh, why can't they all be small summer classes) I set my intention to teach by intuition.
I will preface yesterday's in-practice experience by saying that I am VERY hands-on in small classes. I used to never touch anyone, now I'm so touchy feely that I can rub my entire body against another woman and not even worry how she feels about it. There are two or three people, however, that I NEVER touch. I get "the vibe" from them and I just stay away.
This experience with one of the women in my class started a few years ago when I told her that I found belly dancing to be sexy. You'd have thought I'd insulted her mama. She was so offended that I would dare call such a beautiful thing sexy, or even sensual, that I could scarecely believe such prudes existed in the realm of who I know. But, there you have it. One person's sexy is another person's "don't look at me, I'm hideous".
This woman comes to too many of my classes to absolutely hate me. I would put her in the category of possibly tolerating me as long as I'm not too mouthy. Fat chance, lady! She never smiles. She may smile at others, but she never smiles at me. Or even near me, come to think of it. She thinks my stories are juvenile and my jokes are stupid. I know that's very difficult to believe but my "shinning" tells me so.
In class last night, as I set my intention to follow my intuition, I began to go into that teaching "zone" that I love. The one where I have no clue what I'm going to teach and then it all falls into place. We examined two standing poses in intimite detail. I even used belly dancing as an analogy. So much for not being mouthy. I just go ahead and bring up that very painful topic - although I didn't get near any words that began with "se". And (wait for it) I TOUCHED her. I sat right behind her in one pose and worked with her breathing through the pose. Anyone who says I don't have balls, please go pound sand.
After class, I had that really heady feeling like things were pretty good and I had done exactly what I was meant to do - teach a proper beginner's class. Two people came to speak to me after class. One was Mrs. Non-Sexy Belly Dancer herself. She was smiling. She was happy. Said something things I had done gave her fresh perspectives on the pose and really "clicked" in her head. Said thank you. Can you speak?!
And now for my encore, folks. . .a rabbit out of a hat.
Yup, they certainly do shock the hell out of me, too.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Nice blog no blog
My last post was just over one year ago. In the past year, I've discovered. . .
- My teeth are really lovely. Like REALLY lovely.
- The hardest people to work with are insecure.
- A few really good friends are a lot easier to maintain than a whack of social friends.
- I need to be careful who I trust.
- Eat, Pray, Love.
- The Twilight Saga.
- My favourite food really is ice cream, or gelati, or sherbert, or frosty's, or. . .anything cold, creamy, and wet.
- Balance means being home for supper.
- Balance is a tradeoff.
- Facebook.
- Childhood friends, childhood crushes, good and bad people from "former lives", and people to avoid can all find you.
- The older I get, the better looking older guys get.
- My nieces are fantastically awesome creatures.
- It's hard to keep up with a house.
- Pets bring more joy into one's life than can be admitted publicly.
- Sometimes if you leave and let be, things fall into place.
- Maybe having a 5-year old car isn't such a big deal (sorry dad).
- If someone else made it, it's always the best meal I ever tasted - even if it might not be my taste.
- I AM A STARBUCKSWHORE.
- Sometimes your friends are more family than family.
- It's not always a bad thing to go back to the familiar and yet insanely ridiculous things.
- I'm not so bad even if not everybody likes me.
- My teeth are really lovely. Like REALLY lovely.
- The hardest people to work with are insecure.
- A few really good friends are a lot easier to maintain than a whack of social friends.
- I need to be careful who I trust.
- Eat, Pray, Love.
- The Twilight Saga.
- My favourite food really is ice cream, or gelati, or sherbert, or frosty's, or. . .anything cold, creamy, and wet.
- Balance means being home for supper.
- Balance is a tradeoff.
- Facebook.
- Childhood friends, childhood crushes, good and bad people from "former lives", and people to avoid can all find you.
- The older I get, the better looking older guys get.
- My nieces are fantastically awesome creatures.
- It's hard to keep up with a house.
- Pets bring more joy into one's life than can be admitted publicly.
- Sometimes if you leave and let be, things fall into place.
- Maybe having a 5-year old car isn't such a big deal (sorry dad).
- If someone else made it, it's always the best meal I ever tasted - even if it might not be my taste.
- I AM A STARBUCKSWHORE.
- Sometimes your friends are more family than family.
- It's not always a bad thing to go back to the familiar and yet insanely ridiculous things.
- I'm not so bad even if not everybody likes me.
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